Transcription:Girl Toys
News Reporter: two paramedics carry a flattened Raggedy Ann out of a cleaners' store and onto a stretcher Tragedy struck today as beloved children's icon Raggedy Ann committed suicide by steam press. Viewers will remember that her longtime companion, Raggedy Andy, died in the late '80s a dead Andy with several quilt patches, and is now a permanent part of the AIDS quilt. (Michael Moore is watching this in his van.) Michael Moore: All too common. While boys hang on to action figures forever, girls dump their old playthings with a cruel lack of compassion. But enough about my personal life; what happens to girl's toys when they're no longer loved? (A picture of Jem appears on the screen.) Michael: Jem was on top of the rocking world in the '80s, but when she fell, she fell hard; some say right into a cheesecake. (Jem's truck rolls in, and the door opens to show a cigarette-smoking fat Jem. We then snap to her playing her guitar awfully to four kids at a birthday party.) Jem: to "Wheels on the Bus" The wheels on the bus go quack, quack, quack; Open and shut, beep, beep, beep. The driver on the bus goes swish, swish, overcrack; Bus, beep-beep...That's how it goes! Girl: up, upset No, they don't! You're ruining my party! Jem: a short pause, sings again Little stupid bitch, you'd better shut the f**k up... (We cut to Jem back near her truck.) Jem: You want to know what's truly, truly outrageous? Chlamydia. (The girl's father shows up and hands Jem money.) Girl's Father: Forty dollars, right? You know, this is really embarrassing, but in the eighties, I used to masturbate to you all the time. Jem: next to him Yeah, you were just a boy then, but now you're a man, right? Girl's Father: Well, yes...a married man. Jem: So is it an open marriage, or...(coughs violently for a few moments)...So is it an open marriage? (The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles briefly show up on the screen.) Michael: The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles... (A fifth turtle, Venus, is seen beating up a bunch of ninjas next to a dumpster.) Michael: ...briefly added a fifth member with a very special accessory: a vagina. But after getting dumped from the team... (Venus' head is stuck in a toilet, and two policemen and Michael are examining her corpse.) Michael: ...Venus chose to end her life the way all discarded turtles meet their maker. Policeman 1: Seen it a million times. Tried to flush herself down the toilet. Policeman 2: Ironically, when she died, she crapped herself. Policeman 1: Is that ironic, or just funny? (After this, a picture of Strawberry Shortcake being stalked by the Purple Pieman briefly appears.) Michael: Strawberry Shortcake was bullied for years by the evil Purple Pieman. (We fade to Michael with Strawberry at the Pieman's house.) Michael: Now, for the first time, she'll get to confront her former tormentor. (Strawberry rings the doorbell, and the now-old Pieman, wearing sunglasses and using a walker, comes out.) Purple Pieman: Hey, who's there? I am blind now. The diabetes-a saw to that. Eh... a little jig Cha-cha-cha-cha! Still-a got the moves! snickers Michael: And so, Strawberry Shortcake has been denied the confrontation she so craved... Strawberry Shortcake: Oh, no! Bullcrap! (Strawberry kicks the Pieman's walker, pulls him down, and beats him on his back and face repeatedly. They are both screaming.) Strawberry: Take my berries now, bitch! (Strawberry clutches his chin, snaps his neck, shrieks a battle cry, and laughs maniacally. Michael motions to the camera to cut, and' is later seen talking to Strawberry through glass at a visiting center in prison'') '''Strawberry: I told that motherfucker I'd bury him, and that's not some fruit-related speech impediment. B-U-R-Y: Bury, like in the fucking ground. (The next girls' toy picture is of Rainbow Brite and some Rainbow Land Sprites in front of her.) Michael: Rainbow Brite was a huge hit with girls, and boys who wanted to be girls. (Michael is interviewing Rainbow in a comfy living room.) Michael: So, Rainbow, what have you been doing? Rainbow: Well, after I retired as ruler of Rainbow Land, I continued to seek out all the pretty colors of the world! I dated a black guy, a Korean guy, a black guy, a Puerto Rican guy, a black guy, some Indian guys and feathered, a black guy, a black guy...ooh, another black guy! Daddy was so pissed! (We snap to Sailor Moon as she transforms.) Michael: And how does Sailor Moon make a living these days? Sailor Moon: I sell my used panties to old men online! (She winks, and we cut to Michael standing next to a horrifically disfigured bald man.) Michael: It's a tragedy when a beloved icon is discarded on purpose. Cabbage Patch Man: We Cabbage Patch People were abandoned as soon as we grew out of our cute baby stage. Adoption, my asshole! (We cut to a Cabbage Patch Woman as a prostitute being paid.) Michael: With nobody to care for them, the Cabbage Patch community fell on hard times. (A Cabbage Patch guy is getting a tattoo on his rear that says 'Can Suck It' under the trademarked name 'Xavier Roberts.'After this, we snap to Chatty Cathy sitting on a chair with the words: "Chatty Cathy, the Talking Doll" next to her.) Michael: Perhaps the greatest tragedy of all befell Chatty Cathy. (Michael is walking alongside Cathy while interviewing her.) Michael: After witnessing a mob crime, the mafia tried to make sure she couldn't talk. Cathy: a low slurred tone They cut out my tongue, but I was not be intimidated. I testified anyway. Michael: Aw, good for you! Cathy: I wish I was dead. (We cut back to inside Michael's van.) Michael: Let's never again forget that those girls' toys of yesteryear should be treated with the dignity and respect that they deserve. Cathy: offscreen Am I done yet? Michael: down You'll know, Chatty Cathy. You'll know. (As he looks down, the ending credits start.) Girl Toys